Why the perfect mom is failing (and the 3 steps to turn it around)

The obstacles of Conscious Parenting

I just had 7 amazing women in my living room, all here to learn one thing they believe has the power to completely transform their lives, if they can stay conscious enough at home –  to apply what they learn on their own.

Because really, isn’t that the problem? You have read all the books on consciousness.  You know consciously how to be the perfect parent to your children, you know what you ought to do, from taking care of yourself, validating their needs, practicing active listening and non-violent communication, to being a good role model and make them healthy meals.

So why do moms feel more stressed, overwhelmed and unheard by their kids today? Why do they feel unsupported in their quest for perfect motherhood when so much resources are at hand?   What happens to the mom behind closed doors when the stress level goes up, the kids are not listening and she reverts to unconscious behaviors and do that thing she promised herself she would stop doing to them?

Can you relate to feeling you aren’t showing up for your kids as much and as perfectly as you would want?  Or is your spouse not supporting you in your own personal quest?

What is going on?

The answers lie in knowing yourself, and more specifically, your brain.

Your brain as a child:

Your brain has two functions: conscious and unconscious. The unconscious was programmed during your childhood roughly from the ages of 0-8. During that time, your brain categorized events as either positive or negative. It created files and labels for them. So for example under the file ‘men’ was your dad and any other male figures around you. Under the file ‘work’ was all the times you personally experienced your mom or dad drop you off to go to work plus all the ‘work’ you may have had to do at home or at school and how well (or not so well) it was received.  We have thousands of files on thousands of different topics.

This is both a blessing and a curse.  Back in the days when we lived in tribes (pre-Google time) if our children would remember that such and such plants were edible while others were poisonous, it would save their lives.  Today, we continue to program them by telling them stories before bed but most importantly we also program them just through our own relationships with each other and our very own reactions in certain situations. We tell them how to react and they in turn will react that way too, if not now, they will repeat it with their children.

As far as power the subconscious controls 98% of all our decisions. It is by far the most powerful engine we’ve got. For you and your children, and for the rest of your lives, 98% of all your decisions and everything you create and experience will be based on those original programmings.  Which is why we talk about parenting ‘consciously’ – without reverting to unconscious behavior.  But how can you do that when 98% of all that you do is based on the subconscious?

The child grows up, not the programming

Are you an entrepreneur becoming a mom and struggling to stay an entrepreneur? If your mom was a stay at home mom without a job or a career, it will be difficult for you to succeed since your programming has the association that mom = stay at home (with financial support coming from dad perhaps).  If your mom had a regular 9-5 job and was never entrepreneurial, you could work and be a mom but struggle to really reach the level of success you want as an entrepreneurial mom. If your mom was both entrepreneurial and balanced work and home brilliantly, she would have given you the priceless gift of already having that possibility in your unconscious. Later as a mom, you could recreate that situation automatically, effortlessly.  Business opportunities would just fall on your lap without really having to work that hard. Life and work would feel so easy.

How about relationships? If a little girl felt abandoned by her father (even if it’s not really what happened but that’s what her mind equated with his long absences and her parent’s separation) she will inevitably marry a man who is unavailable either emotionally or physically or both. She will keep feeling unsupported by her husband.  And she will wonder why feeling unsupported keeps happening to her. Her brain, unfortunately, cannot manifest an available husband, nor even see it when her husband is there and available to her.  She will only pick out that he isn’t.

Some programmings kick in once you become a parent.  For example, a boy grows up with a very busy father – a hard working man who spent very little time with his family. His grandfather was the same way to his father and so on. When that boy becomes a father, he will also become a very busy dad and wonder why his work is taking over his life.  Again, automatically his brain equated father = busy so he will be busy even if it’s not what he wants consciously.  He will have 2% of him want to spend quality time with his children but have 98% of him create otherwise.

And if your spouse has the programming that to be a parent = busy  and your love language is ‘quality time’ let’s say (based on Gary Chapman’s book the Five Love Languages), you are going to feel very alone and unsupported by them, even if they truly don’t mean to be that busy all the time.

Is this helping you so far? You are a capable adult. You know you can make things happen and you have. So if you have been wondering, how can I be a better parent? Am I being the best parent that I can be for my kids or the best person even for me and my spouse? This should start giving you some answers and a clear action plan of healing.

There is a way to change your life

Self-knowledge is truly the place to start. To change any painful current reality, you have got to go into the subconscious and uncover what’s there. And if you don’t do it before becoming a parent, your kids will do it for you.

There is a question I ask my clients after they share with me their struggles and present-day challenges (with their work, spouses or children). I ask them a question that allows them to wake up and realize, it’s not ‘them’ out there that’s the issue, the issue comes from within their own previous programming.  After I ask them this key question, they often can see the issue was there before, way before, the current situation or person came into their lives.

Dr. Michal Ryce has a website and a book called ‘Why is this happening to me again’.  I was on the phone with him recently and he reminded me, ‘children are our unconscious in living colors’. They essentially are the best at triggering our old junk, awakening out of us childhood situations where we felt powerless and out of control, abused, injured, you name it, your biggest complain about your child or spouse today is most likely due to something you experienced at a much younger age, and it’s just coming back up.

Why raising kids is stressful and exhausting

You may have 1-2 children and feel like raising them was close to the most stressful and traumatic experience of your life.  Having two cute beings walk around your world acting out every little fear and out of control behavior you repressed is no walk in the park.  And then not knowing what to do with the energy they are awakening in you is even worse. It feels like your chest wants to explode. You may feel sick very often. And especially exhausted.  Your entire being is trying to suppress the energy that’s coming up because it is wrongly afraid to let it go.

Your kids try to help you by taking in that energy (like crystals absorbing energy, hence the term crystal children) and then if they don’t know how to free up that energy, they act it out with even more anxiety and stress, which in turn you pick up and feel in your entire body.  This leads to stressed out parents who feel crazy with kids who don’t listen and too many tears, screams and tantrums.

There is a way out of this painful cycle:

As an Aries, I tend to be result oriented and impatient if something doesn’t work within minutes. If I discover I have a program that is not creating the reality or the reactions I would like as a mom, I want to see it healed yesterday.  I know my clients feel the same way.  There is a way out of feeling sick and tired of having tantrum children, sensitive children, over-reacting children, fighting siblings, anxious teenagers, overweight kids, out of control kids. There is a way out and it starts with these action steps:

 3 Steps to Turn it Around:

  1. You’ve got to make a decision.  One of the fastest way I know I can help you is if you made a decision – as powerful as Scarlet O’Hara on top of that mountain (“As God is my witness, I will never go hungry again!!” remember? ). I need you to channel Scarlet O’Hara and declare this ends here.  Once you make that decision, solutions will come to you. Trust me, the universe flies in to support anyone once they have made a decision from their heart and it’s a done deal.

  2. Share it and hand it over. In that moment you feel stressed, go call on someone to share it with. Write about it on the facebook group. Fill out this form to book your 30 minute share with me. Don’t stay with it. Find a prayer group. Go to a healing/meditation circle. Let it go. You would be practicing both my first and fourth pillars of happiness: letting go and self knowledge for in that moment you share what’s going on, you are that closer to calling out the programming creating the chaos.  When you share it with a friend, make sure she’s read this article so she can help you find the words, the sentences, the beliefs you keep saying over and over again. Those are the beliefs we will want to pick up and gently release one at a time.

  3. Learn some basic tools to clear energies such as your aura and chakras.  To start freeing up old trapped energies, chakra clearing is a great way to start.   All of my meditation CDs include working with the lighstream and angels as they vibrate on a higher frequency to help uplift old energies out of you. You are welcome to let them guide you towards any other healing techniques that is best for you.

Whatever you do, do it with love, care and understanding. Remember behind every childhood programming is a child who felt scared, injured or misunderstood and that child needs your care and compassion.

Self-Care Challenge:

Did this article help you see your parenting in a new light?  Share your thoughts and questions below.

Your challenge is to notice the thoughts that are active in your mind when you find yourself doing that thing you wish you wouldn’t do anymore in your parenting.  Try and stay conscious when the unconscious mind starts talking to you and just notice what ‘story’ it’s trying to make you believe in again (I never have enough help and support, I’ll never make it, they never listen, no one listens to me, I can’t get through to them…etc). And from there, how does it make you feel to ‘think’ or ‘hear’ that playing out in your mind?

Another option is to call up another mom who is on the same journey as you and to hear you when you share your struggles.  Together try and determine what are the beliefs and images of your past that keep coming up?  Can you welcome them up and just be there for them as an observer, without judgment, just breathing and grounding?

Remember, you can heal anything you find, the key is being willing to find it.

Finally, make sure you sign up for email updates to receive my invites to Self Care Wednesdays, happening LIVE every Wednesday on the Facebook Group. I read your energy and could help you in minutes. Plus you will get my free aura clearing meditation that has been a life saver to many moms.

And if you needed help like yesterday, quickly fill out this application so we can chat to see if indeed you are a right fit for the freedom party I offer.  I would love to help you get to the conscious parenting style that’s perfect for you without the crazy exhausting tantrums and anxious energy floating around.  It’s possible if you are ready.

Looking forward to being of service to you,

xoxo

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