1.
Gratitude.
It’s that quiet hour after my son is finally asleep in the next room.
After a full day of rolling around on the floor giggles and mama bear hugs. Grateful I have my little fairy home all to myself. Almost all to myself. There’s someone downstairs but he is kind. He is quiet and I never feel bothered by him. I feel, no I am so incredibly lucky. my son found me. He had been trying to come to me for 15 + years. My dear friend whom I’ve nicknamed Papa Drum kept reminding me in the car, “that baby’s been waiting to come through for 15 years…” He spoke as though he had a cable from my ‘what ifs…wouldn’t be cool” straight to his vocal cords. He was saying it all as though it was all done.
the video the seminars the ideas it was all there somehow miraculously picked me up from my sweet Henderson home took me to lunch, and a play park for Hayden and pitched me on a video he said he wanted to help me produce.
what had i done? or not done… but gone with the rhythm of the wave underneath my feet?
2.
I win battles every day.
battles with the voices that want to criticize hate and look away that voice within that wants to hiss at a new found friend what a horrible little virus that one I smile and remind it:
“No. We don’t do that. We don’t hiss criticize and hate anyone else. We are done now.”
I have to remind the virus who the boss really is around these plains and it’s a good day when it takes a hike and leaves me to bask in the endless love of my undying beingness always there to be in the having while it hikes huffing and puffing hoping I’ll need it one day to protect me from the world.
i bask into the having. i bask into the being i bask into the breath God gave me for one more day.
3.
“God just wants us to be apart”.
I told Dan tonight as I washed my organic lettuce in the sink and he got all fuzzy on my ipad skype video “God just wants us to be apart right now.” he laughed. he rarely laughs at my jokes. Especially when they aren’t really jokes.
Still I love his laugh even when it makes me miss him. I’ll be in Europe for 2 1/2 months and Daddy Danniji will be traveling for work and watering my ever so growing avocado trees!
4.
Long to say something.
I longed to say a lot on stage the other night. maybe I am meant to be on stage more than I am meant to be behind a computer. Of course. Of course I am meant to be on stage way more than behind a computer. I had to take a huge leap of faith to realize I was actually comfortable voicing my dream in front of hundreds of people. Sometimes we don’t know what we long to say or where or how until we’ve tried.
5.
Why do i do what i do?
Really? Why do I sit at the computer creating new e-courses, writing manuals, blogs… and do what I do? God i don’t know any other way to live. A few months ago someone told me to just go get a job. I looked at that fat filled cake and said “no”. That shit’s no good for me. I don’t care how well packaged it might seem. That shit ain’t good for my soul.
6.
Who am I living for?
I am heading back to my beloved Provence with my child. it was just an idea at first and then an idea became a possibility from there the doors kept opening and when doors open
I follow my feet right through them.
7.
Someone told me he couldn’t make money doing what he loved.
To me that sounds as insane as a fish forgetting how to swim underwater. Doing what we love comes with all the money and care in the world
It’s as automatic as peas in a pod seeds in a watermelon bitterness from a lemon. doing what you love comes with all the money in the world.
2+2 = 4
doing what I love + sharing it with the world = all my needs are met.
there’s no other way about it. if money’s not coming in, there’s a darling little wounded child standing in the way whose still believing the voice of his elders who told him, “go get a real job and make a living.”
it created a huge black hole in that little boy’s open mind and now such a trifle sentence is creating millions of unhappy souls who don’t get to do what they love
“Are you making money now?” I asked him. he raised his shoulders and said evidently, “No.” hum. “No?” “So you’re not doing what you love and you’re still not making money?” Sounds to me like there’s some limiting beliefs around money to run through the Angel’s 4th Pillar of Happiness, “Self-Knowledge” which we will do oh so soon if you want to play with me over at Happy Soul e-School 🙂
This world needs more bold and courageous souls who can step and do their dreams every day.
8.
I bled to death.
Once. In my bathtub. My son was in someone else’s arm and all of the organs and humanoids I grew were out of my belly and all of a sudden I knew not who I was and where I belonged. Never had I felt so powerless. So desiring to be alive. To hold my newborn son. So desperate to stay awake. But no matter my will power I could not keep my eyes open I had waited for that soul so darn long. Pushed for so long. Tried and tried to get him out sooner. The divine clock had said “not yet.” My midwife wouldn’t stop saying “push.” Finally at 4am I asked her to change her wording to ‘allow’. “Can you allow the baby to come out?” “Yes. Of course I can.” Out the baby came in minutes.
I fantasized many a nights he would be my father coming back to me. Somehow he would walk away from the car accident that everyone else told me killed him. My limited mind as a ten year old child didn’t believe it for years. I kept looking for his sparkling eyes and bright smile through crowds and beaches. I made myself loud and big to make sure he would find me anywhere I may be. anywhere I made sure he would be safe.
and then one day I found him. I was in the Philippines on a fasting/meditation retreat. A week of fasting will send anyone straight to heaven to get clear I saw him sitting across from me. I was utterly delighted, scared and frankly pissed.
Forgiveness is a seed that ebbs and flows Most days I reap the sweetness from its branches and bite into sweet peaches with a big open smile. I dance I laugh and mon papa is nearby most days I want to invite him into my heaven on earth. Other days I let him check in on my life as I cuddle my son and rock him to sleep gently back and forth. He checks in. He checks in and says hello.
After my son was born I bled to death and was sent to heaven with an assignment. I had a week to decide if I wanted to stay or go. Holy shit. Finally? After 20+ years of begging God to give me back my family now that heaven crossed with earth I was sent right up that tunnel of light. My son was here and I was gone. Like two souls in one body. The separation was cathartic. My father was back. My son smiled. And I was gone. Gone. Literally.
i awoke in my best friend’s car rushing me to the ER. i awoke falling out of a wheelchair. i awoke to a hospital bed and tubes in my nose. i awoke to my son at my breast. i awoke to pints of blood coming back to me.
the healer ever the doer ever the giver ever the powerful unstoppable danielle dove was now rendered absolutely helpless that she needed blood from someone else. Oh the Hospital Waltz was an interesting one.
I felt like a vampire and a cannibal. Desperate for anything the week after my son’s birth I drank and ate my placenta raw and bloody and peed on myself too weak to move with a 103 fever.
I will tell you those panties my midwife told me to get can really hold a lot of liquid. I couldn’t even tell I had peed on myself.
Amid more moments of utter chaos, my beloved guides who are truly always answering our prayers and intentions came back and asked me again. “So? Miss Dove… are you staying or leaving?
Really? Are you kidding me?
Ok I’ll admit. I totally manifested the incident.
I had bragged and bragged for months I needed some sort of ‘death’ of the old me before I could become a mother.
I went to the Goddess Temple by myself for a one on one with the Goddesses.
Could they accept this new soul coming through?
I wanted a part of me to die and be done with.
I knew I was getting what I asked for. That’s how powerful we are.
When they came back and asked me again, I took what was left of me weak and underweight, sleep deprived and all and said, “Yes I am staying.”
I meant it. I meant it even though I knew what it could mean. it meant that once again I would stay to complete my mission. it meant that once again I danced on the edges of life and death funeral after funeral near death experiences after another I’ll close other eyelids before I give up.
I told ya I am a stubborn one.
It might be stupid to be so stubborn about the matrix thinking it could all change one day but I was right.
It can change.
I saw it change.
So I don’t regret staying.
I don’t regret having spent the most amazing year and a half with my baby son and my twin flame.
I gained my weight back. My boobs have gratefully rocked with 18 months of breast-feeding on them and counting. Wahoo!
I went through the mama dance of loving my son and often wishing there was a mute button on his cute little mouth cuz I would have pushed it at 2 am and 4 am and this morning at 5am. I went through the crazy mama bear instinct of holding my son so tight against me I could cause serious injury to anyone who would harm in.
I have been through the worse of fights with my husband and saw the best of us both through it all.
I stared at a tropical rain forest in Pedasi, Panama and ate fresh coconuts on the beach
I took countless naps with a baby at my breast falling asleep, smiling, giggling, slapping me in the face, throwing toys at me and everyone else, putting them back neatly.
saying his first words using the potty and peeing on the floor. putting cloth diapers in the dryer and taking them out. blowing kisses at his mommy through the car window
grew avocado trees from their pits. danced in the rain. in the desert. on the beach. in my bathroom.
why do i do what i do?
Because I know this is my only chance of finding, creating, and sharing my heaven on earth.
What are your reasons for living and why do you do what you do?
Comment, share and enjoy!
PS:
And as a tender loving bonus, check out the video my sweetie made for V Day 2013… a cute recap of our year together.